I've found a consistent amount of stress in my life lately. Whether this be from transitioning from college into adulthood or my own perpetuation, I've lived with a smelly, unwelcomed friend. This friend of mine doesn't help me to the best person and consequently, affects the relationships I have in my life. The affected relationships lead to tension which in turn leads to (you guessed it) arguing. Some big arguments, some little arguments, but arguments none the less!
I am not good at expressing myself verbally and find my lack of communication skills compound many of the arguments I get into. I've decided to create five commandants for arguing with the people I love most in my life. I shall name them Rules for [Our]guments. Catchy right?
1st Commandment: Thou shall remember the difference between feeling and fact.
I'm not saying it's not important to tell your loved ones how you feel BECAUSE IT IS (and I should probably do more of this) but you need not let your emotions cause you to say things you do not mean. Avoid name calling, yelling, and in extreme cases, signing up your loved one for Dr. Phil. Take a moment and talk about fact not let your feelings distort the overall purpose. If you would like to tell the other person how they made you feel place a fact with it. It's important people know when they hurt you and how to avoid the same situations in the future.
Try This: You hurt my feelings because you did not listen to me when I tried to apologize.
Not That: I'm so sick of you running your mouth all the time. You don't listen to a thing I have to say.
Both are conveying hurt, the second is just doing it more aggressively and more indirectly (and we all know if you are arguing with a male-he isn't going to pick up on that). Which leads me to the second commandment
2nd Commandment: State Your Purpose.
You have a brother, Dad, boyfriend, husband? Chances are, you've argued with him. We as females, can be very perceptive at times. We figure we're being obvious or better yet, IT IS OBVIOUS as to why we're upset right?. Like so obvious that if it were any more obvious I'd just come right out and say it (what a concept huh?). I don't know how many times I have to fail at this to get the point across to myself: Guys need you to tell them EXACTLY what is going on. They do not get indirect hints, or subtlety. If you want him to fix it or understand why he's hurt you, you've got to tell him.
3rd Commandment: Fix It or Feel It.
While we are on the subject of the great men in our lives, I thought I'd share this little diddy. One of my friends posted 'phrases that have made our marriage better' on Facebook. You are probably wondering why I read such things if indeed I am not a married lady, but really the answer is quite clear: this type of information can be applied to any relationship at any level. A husband and his wife came up with this and I am going to start using it with my boyfriend. Men have an overwhelming urge to fix things. I am man, I fix problem (that whole thing, ya know?) Well, the husband in this article spoke about how he always wanted to fix his wife's problem, when really she just wanted him to 'feel' her problem. She just wanted a listening/understanding ear. Someone she could talk to, vent to, someone to comfort her. When she gets upset he asks, "Do you want me to fix it or feel it?" He said, "98% of the time she chooses feel it." I think if we are a caring partner or good partner, we just want to help the other. I think we get so caught up in helping and wanting to give advice that we forget to truly listen. I know my relationships will benefit from me making more of an effort to just 'listen' and I think this was a great eye opener to that.
4th Commandment: If You Say 'I'm Fine' You Choose To Abolish All Feelings Of [anger, sadness, being upset, tension, hostility, curtness, how many times I could hit you with a pillow as hard as I possibly could until I felt better-ness, etc.]
What woman isn't guilty of this? I know I am! To our defense (or at least my defense) sometimes I say "I'm fine" because I feel the reason I'm upset is too petty to bring up to the person who caused the feeling. I think I need to get over it and not cause an argument about it, because I feel irrational for letting whatever it is be the cause of my discomfort. This usually just leads to arguing anyway or a silent void in which no one talks and feels miserable. If something is genuinely bothering you or someone did something to genuinely hurt you, and they try to apologize or speak to you about it and you reply with, "I'm fine." Then you have freely given up any rights you had to feel any emotions listed in the title above. If you say I'm fine, you better be prepared to let it go and be fine.
Try this: I am not fine right now, but I am trying to work through it on my own and decide if it's something that should be bothering me as much as it is. I didn't appreciate when you did--------.
Not that: I'm fine.
A big lesson I've also learned from my Mom that fits with this is: Let it go. Drop it. I think we should all afford the people in our lives to express themselves to us. I'm not saying cut them off and just tell them to drop it but what I am saying is say what you need to and then let by-gones be by-gones. Feeling crappy all the time because you hold on to anger just isn't worth it. As Sweet Maple Brown would say, "Ain't nobody got time fo that!" Talk it through, squash it, be fine with it, and let it go.
5th (and most important commandment): Thou Shall Not Let Your Praying Knees Get Weak.
or (for those of you who do not pray)
I promise to practice patience and positivity in my thoughts regarding my loved ones.
I pray to thank God for the people in my life, but I need to focus more on , 'praying for the people in my life.' There is a difference and I guess I didn't really dissect that difference until I was reading a self improvement article today. Just because we are around our loved ones all the time doesn't mean we know all of their struggles they endure. They carry their burdens around just like I do and sometimes these burdens do not make you feel good and lead to arguing. Pray for them in that they find peace and that you can become a better person with God's guidance and in turn, improve the relationships with the people you love.
Practice constant patience, positivity, and kind deeds for those closest to you even when you do not feel like being these things. Fake er til you make er! There are several instances when patience would've solved a lot of problems and I constantly strive to make sure I am those three things even when it's so hard to be. These are the best weapons in any argument because when you are arguing with someone you love, no one really wins.
Well there it is. My five commandments for having [our]guments. I cannot wait to practice some of these things, well actually that is a false statement because I do not want to get into any arguments any time soon, but I cannot wait to practice these to become better. Life is about always striving to grow. I am trying to grow into a better version of myself, and that's all I can do. So the next time you find yourself in a heated argument and it's hit ' Jersey Shore House Fight Status' take a step back and try some of these suggestions. After all, no one appreciates a bad 'Situation'.
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