Mom Memoirs: The Insecurity in Rediscovering Who You Are

Becoming a mom changes you. It changes the way you think, the way you feel, and the way you view life. It even changes the way you view yourself. Everyone always tells you about the intense love you'll feel, the happiness being a new mom brings, but no one tells you about the insecurity. Forget the long list of insecurities you feel about your mothering abilities. That could be a topic of a whole other blog post....I'm talking about the insecurities you feel as you begin to get to know the new person you have become through this monumental life change.

1-Physically
When you're pregnant you look at your body in wonder as your belly begins to grow. You feel joy and peace as your baby begins to kick, and even though you're extremely uncomfortable towards the end of your pregnancy and wonder, 'How am I going to survive another six weeks of this!?' you revel in your strength and determination. After you have your baby your body just becomes yours again. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself. Even though my body is seemingly back to normal my eyes go straight to the stretch marks that once encased an almost nine pound baby, the dark lines and freckles from all of the hormones that grew the almost nine pound baby, and the C Section scar that runs across my abdomen. I look at this person and think, "Now that I've met you, I have to learn to live with you." Is my husband attracted to this new person? I have a hard time feeling attractive, how could he possibly be? I haven't changed out of my pajamas all day because I've been too busy or too tired or just learning how to schedule my day. Sometimes I feel frumpy and plain. All of these physical things have caused new insecurities. Things I've never felt before.
The healing I find for this is to trust and believe my husband when he tells me how beautiful I look, to take my worry to God, and to pray for wisdom in respecting my body for what it has given me, respecting that I am healthy, and knowing that I am not a body, I am soul with a body.

2-Emotionally
I always had a pretty good sense in who I was. I always knew who I was and who I wanted to strive to be. All of that changed when I became a wife. I wasn't just Katie anymore. I was in a union with God and my husband and who did I need to be to fulfill my roll in a godly way in that union? Who did I need to become to be the wife my husband deserved? Just as I was learning to be that woman God also called me to be a mother. Now that I am a mom, I am trying to find balance as a mother, a wife, a friend, and soon to be (as I go back to work on Jan. 4th) a professional. God...Husband...Kids...that is the way I order things in my life. I cannot be the wife or mother I need to be if I do not put God first...and my kids cannot get from my husband and I what we do not first have between ourselves. But becoming a new mom I find myself insecure about whether or not I am putting my husband first. Am I being the wife I need to be? Am I being the support I need to be for him so that he can be a good husband and a good dad? I feel like a mom and a friend, but what about the days I don't feel desired as a wife?
The healing I find for this is to do little things for my husband. To pray to God for wisdom (this is a reoccurring theme here, huh?) in making decisions as a mother, and to realize that my job is to be selfless. I get what I give to my family. When I selflessly give to them, I plant my own seeds of happiness that sprout from the foundation that I lay.

3-Spiritually
Your soul changes. That is just a given. There is now an extension of it on this Earth. A little piece of you. I constantly feel insecure when I look at my son and think, "I just want to protect you your whole life. I want to be with you always and make sure you're safe. Are you going to make bad decisions? Are you going to get hurt? What will your future be like? Will  you be happy in life?"
The healing I find in this is to first and foremost have faith and trust in God's plan for my child's life. I have to instill morals in my children, make sure they know God, and trust that. Our children are on loan to us. It is our job to love them and to teach them the very best we can...and to watch their story unfold.

Being a new mom is a time full of insecurities, but if I trust God with them, they don't seem so bad. If I live by my faith most of them will be answered in time, and if they aren't, faith says that's ok too. Although I find myself uncertain while canvasing this new terrain of parenthood, I couldn't feel more blessed to be a wife and a mother. I will thank God for that gift all of my days.

What I Learned About Being a Mom

My baby turned three weeks old yesterday. In the blink of an eye, I have lived almost an entire month of motherhood. Here are five things I have learned.

1-Nothing...
I mean NOTHING could've prepared me to be a mom. Nothing anyone told me, nothing I stocked the nursery with, none of the books I read, could've actually prepared me to be a mom. The unconditional, selfless insanity with which you love your child are feelings and experiences unlike any you've ever felt before. Get ready to embrace the madness, love something that will always be bigger than anything you ever do with your life, and stare in awe at the life you created. Also, get ready to feel clinically insane at times, because let's be honest, you'll feel that too.

2-Hormones.
Baby Blues are a real thing. The first two weeks after I brought my son home were extremely difficult (especially the first week my husband went back to work). My body was recovering from a C-Section (which I will mention in another point), because my body was recovering, I felt exhausted all the time, and there was this brand new life that relied solely on me for ALL and EVERY single need (knowing that was overwhelming in itself). Your hormones are going crazy and thoughts, that looking back were very illogical, seem very logical in the midst of your exhaustion and anxiety. Things like "I'm never going to get to sit and eat dinner with my husband again" "I haven't been outside in days. I'm never going to get to go out and do chores on our farm" "I love this baby so much. I don't feel like I'm being a good mom" "Why can't I fix why you're crying? I feel terrible that you're crying". You WILL get to return back to things you love and you WILL get to regain that special time with your significant other. You won't be trapped inside forever and sometimes babies just cry because they're babies! IT TAKES TIME. It takes time to get to know your baby, it takes time to get into a schedule, it takes time to adjust back to a semi-normal life! You just experienced the biggest life change you'll probably ever have, things are probably going to be off for awhile! Here's the biggest piece of advice I can give new moms or soon to be moms-TALK TO PEOPLE! My sister-in-law came over to see me the first day my husband went back to work because I was having a difficult time. The best advice I got from anyone was, "Katie, don't be afraid to surround yourself with people you're ok with crying in front of." So I sat there and cried with her and I've never been more thankful for a half an hour in my life! Make sure you are communicating with your spouse about how you are feeling (even if it seems silly to you). If you come up from taking a shower and you feel sad all of the sudden and don't know why....go to them tell them how you feel and ask for a hug. You don't have to know why you feel sad, just acknowledge that you are.You don't have to explain either, only if you want to or can. Talk to your mom, talk to a friend, talk to a nurse, talk to whoever you feel safe with talking to but make sure you TALK and make sure you monitor those feelings. Ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in it and receiving that support and receiving healing/comforting words helped my heart tremendously. Make sure you always go to God and keep praying in your times of struggle. He is there constantly and praying and asking for healing can fill any soul with peace.

3-Taboo about C-Sections.
 I'm not sure why there is a such a taboo surrounding C-Sections. Several times during my pregnancy people asked if I was having a 'natural birth'. What is a natural birth? I hate that term. Unless Scottie himself is standing in my delivery room and I yell, "Beam him out, Scottie!" and my baby magically appears, any current delivery method is a NATURAL one. If you use medicine, if you don't, if you have a vaginal delivery, or if you have a C-Section..all of those methods seem natural to me. I pushed for forty seconds almost every 1.5-3 minutes for four hours and then had major surgery to bring my little one here. I am darn proud but mostly darn THANKFUL that I live in age where I had that medical option. It's all about getting your baby here safely and keeping yourself safe. However you want to do that, or however you can do that, is all that matters. Women need to start supporting one another and not diminishing any one's birth experience. There's no such thing as a perfect delivery, only a delivery that is perfectly unique.

4- You will love your baby and you will also fall more in love with your husband.
I knew my husband loved me. I knew it, I did. I knew the day he said his vows at the alter, that he meant them, but the half a week we spent in the hospital and now, witnessing him be a dad, has confirmed these beliefs a million times over. The things he did for me while I was in the hospital and the ways/things he spoke to me literally blew me away. The way he gets up in the middle of the night to change the baby before I feed him so that I'm not the only one getting up, the way he helps with the baby right when he gets home even after working all day and being tired, are amazing examples of a love God is delighted to see. I've witnessed such a change in my husband over the last month and having a baby has been a blessing but living through these changes with my husband has been one too.

5- You will never be the same.
You will be changed forever. My life will never go back to how it was and yet, I can't imagine it being any other way. I will love this little soul all of my days. I can't imagine a reality in which he does not exist and I can't wait to watch him grow up. I can't wait to see the person he becomes, the light of God he spreads, and the lives he touches.

New Moms-
Don't be afraid to ask for help or take the help that is offered (whether it's meals, someone to do laundry, someone to help clean, or just someone to hold the baby for awhile so you can sleep).

Talk about how you're feeling and don't forget to check in on your husband and see how he is doing. It is a big life change for him too!

Thank your spouse for everything they do that helps you out. Don't just assume they know it helps!

It's ok to feel frustrated/sad/mad/scared..etc. as a new mom. Be forgiving of yourself, be safe, take a break when you need one, and find activities to get you back on balance.

Enjoy little moments. They grow so fast! They really do. In the middle of the night when you're rocking or feeding your baby (and are dog tired) try not to focus on the exhaustion, instead, memorize their face, hold their hand, and hug them a little tighter. One day these things will only be a memory.

Never stop thanking God for your child. In good times and in difficult ones. These precious souls are on loan to us to raise, nurture, cherish, and love. They are one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive. I am in awe of the blessing that has been placed in my life and words cannot express my gratitude.

I Don't Want to Feel Comfortable in my Body, I Want to Feel Comfortable in my Being..

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. With the body obsessed generation that I find myself in, I began to ponder what I thought about the whole issue and where I stood. This is where I stand.

The young women in my generation focus way too much on this issue. period. The young women in my generation derive too much self worth from this issue. period. The young women in my generation equate their bodies with being women. period. Well I'm here to say our bodies are only a part of what makes us women.

As I grow into the woman I want to become, I've come to one conclusion:

I want to be comfortable in my body.....being.

What does my soul say about me? What are the traits that I possess that my husband does not because he is of a different gender? What are the things about my soul and my being that make me a woman? What am I lacking in my character or person that I want to change? I don't want to be comfortable in my body, I want to be comfortable in my being.

Real women have curves, real women have thigh gaps, real women this, real women that. Social media and the ad agencies are at fault for making me feel bad about myself, I blame society, men have unrealistic expectations about women's bodies, Victoria's Secret should be ashamed for running an ad with women who look like that...

I am so SICK of this! How about we spend less time worrying about what people who don't even know us think of us or what we project on ourselves purely based on what we 'think' they think about us and more time about the people around us who we affect on a daily basis? What do the people closest to you think about you? Are you being a woman to those people?

These are the things I want people to think about me when they think of the woman I am. 

Was Katelyn forgiving today when she didn't have to be? I want people in my life to see me as forgiving. I want to possess mercy in my being, especially, when it's hardest to do so.

Does Katelyn go out of her way to do nice things for others? I want to always make bright spots in people's day, no matter how small they seem.

Katie is so funny! Maybe it's a little conceded, but I want to make others laugh! I want to put smiles on people's faces! 

Does Katelyn tell the truth? I always want to be honest and I want to follow God in this pursuit. Telling the truth all the time isn't an easy thing, but God is always with me and following his word will never be wrong.

Does Katie inspire others? Do the words I speak, the messages I deliver, and the conversations I have with people inspire them to be better? I will always try to be a beacon on this Earth. I know it may sound cheesy, but I feel it is part of my calling. I will always try to be that for God because of the many gifts he has given me.

These are just a few things out of a handful that I think about when I think about who I am. Not one of those had anything to do with my body and yours shouldn't either. I am not saying that you shouldn't feel confident about how you look, or exercise to be healthy and happy. What I am saying, is that we never talk about these things. I never see people on social media talking about these things. Why not? We as women need to open up this dialogue and start talking about all of the things that make us women spiritually, emotionally, and mentally...not physically. I much rather see a post about your opinion on the the latest book you read or movie you watched or something in your day that challenged you. 

Men have started to get a bad rep in our society. They are often painted in an unflattering light. I'm here to say that that their are decent men. The perfect man will love, honor, and respect your body. He will love you and you'll feel great about yourself inside and out because of it. If you aren't feeling this way or getting this type of attention from a young man, then you are keeping company with the wrong men. That's on you. Part of being a woman is respecting yourself enough to make men respect you too. 

It is no secret that my sister is in the modeling industry. I always see girls bashing on this industry. Oh, they are so photo shopped. Oh, everyone compares their bodies to model's bodies..that's so unrealistic. Well, I would say 80% of the time when my sister goes on a 'call' she hears things like this:

"sorry, you're too short"

"sorry, you're too tan"

"sorry, you're too skinny"

"sorry, you need to tone up"

People look at these young women like they aren't young women. It's easy to envy them and be jealous of them based off of your own insecurities, but they face the same trials as we all do. Some women even face them as a career. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to feel sorry for girls in the modeling industry, they chose that path, but the point I'm trying to make is that someone somewhere will always find something wrong with the physical appearance of another. So, it is silly then, to base your self worth, and your self confidence, and your comfort level on something that will never be perfect. 

The perfection we all should be striving for is perfecting the person we are and the change we can have on others around us. When people talk about me I want to hear the words, grace, dignity, self respect, humor, kindness. You want to feel comfortable about the outside? It starts by being comfortable on the inside.

When I lay my head down to sleep at night, I want my heart to be at peace knowing I'm comfortable in my being. It is only then, that I will feel comfortable and confident in my body.