"Love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that bind us together."

I want my writing to be about something real. I want people to feel things when they read what I write thus, I have to write what I feel. Honesty in its entirety. I think people can relate to a lesson more if emotion is involved. If it strikes some sort of chord, conjures up some sort of memory. This is just me being honest but I hope my honesty makes a difference.

Honestly,

I've been missing someone a lot lately. And I can't figure out what it entails. I don't know if it's that I miss happy memories I've made with them, if I just miss the idea of them, or if I really, truly miss them. It's been so hard on me lately. I go through periods where I'm ok with everything and I'm accepting of it but then something [something ordinary in my day] will trigger a memory and it'll leave me sad and frustrated. I have many regrets looking back and I think why this whole thing has hurt me as much as it has because it's made me evaluate the person I am. Not only evaluate it, but question it. I know I'm a beautiful, loving, amazing person, with a gigantic heart, and a beautiful soul but when I look back I get so upset with myself that I wasn't that always to someone I loved. This has been the hardest lesson I've been trying to learn. I blame myself a lot. I spoke with this person the other day. They wished me a happy birthday and before I knew it we were catching up on life and everything in between. It wasn't like the wonderful conversations I remember. I was definitely holding back because I don't know how to be his friend. The worst part was, I didn't want to say goodbye because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak with them for a long while. I get angry with myself for not being better, for not being stronger, for missing someone and then having to realize that I contributed to my pain that I'm experiencing now.

I read this quote today...

"Maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

It made me think about what I just told you. I want everyone to look at my words and be better [because you have someone telling you to be]. Love is something we have to take care of, something that we have to work at. You aren't going to wake up every day next to someone and have it feel like the first time. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone and with that comes the responsibility to love them the very best you can [because you made that commitment].

I am so sorry that I wasn't loving you the best way that I could. Looking back, I'd do anything to fix it for you.

Never take advantage of time spent with someone you love. Love is a big responsibility, and if you choose to make it, you better be ready to put the work in that it requires. Don't end up like me, staring at your phone, knowing this could be the last time you talk to someone for months. If you've hurt someone you've loved recently [fix it]. Let them know how you feel [make it better]. Communication is key and something that I lack. You can't solve those types of problems on your own no matter how hard you try. It takes two. Don't try to be the stronger person [try to be the better person].

I don't know if I'll ever get another chance, I don't know if I'll end up meeting someone new and finding new love, but I do know that I'll be ok no matter what. It's going to take awhile and I plan on being patient. The first time I looked at that boy it took my breath away [cliche'? why yes, but very true].

I'm holding out for that again.

"And although one broken heart doesn’t make me an expert in the subject, I believe you need both things –time and an emotional replacement –to fully mend one."

Work on you, take time to heal, and when you're ready, let love back in.

Inspiration-Think before you speak

When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent. ~~ Thurgood Marshall

My friend Joe posted this on facebook today. I read it and immediately knew I had to write about it. Every now and then words come along that describe a perfect emotion, thought, or memory and when that happens don't just let them go...share them.
These words had an impact on me because they did just that (brought me to my memories). Here's what I think about this quote.
When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens.
There have been times in my life when I've wanted nothing but to do good and sadly, there have been times in my life where I have used my words or actions to hurt another-with the intent of doing just that [hurting someone].
But what I really loved about this quote was the last part.
What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.
Growing up is so difficult. Trying to act mature and be an adult is so hard when your capacity to do and be so says otherwise. I look back on those times of spite, jealousy, bad behavior, and sitting here in this moment would do anything to go back and change the way I acted and handled the situation. Why did I feel I had to behave that way? In 9/10 times it was because I was hurt and had no other way to handle it. I wanted to hurt someone else because they hurt me. The whole 'who can hit hardest scenario.'----and the worst part about this is [it usually involved someone that I loved]. I think we tend to hurt those people the most.
I was very aware of these lessons before those words came along but what this quote did for me was to put those lessons into words. I would encourage everyone and anyone to read this quote, write it down, or copy and paste it into a journal. I feel it is the mark of a beautiful individual who can think before they act and ultimately not do damage to relationships that are important to them. I'd also strongly recommend working on communication. It is so hard for me to talk about how I feel OUT LOUD I hate it..I'd rather pull my teeth out. BUT this is such an important skill and one that you will always need to have healthy relationships in all areas of your life.
I hope others read this and can learn from my mistakes. Take the high road always no matter how hurt, angry, or the amount of alcohol you've consumed haha. Examine the intent of your actions or words. Is your intent a noble one? Or is it one of selfishness? If it's the latter, then your cause is unjust.
If your emotions are too much to handle. Try to put a face on them. Think about it for a second. Why is it bothering you so much? What's inclining you to act out? Can you change it? Can you make it better? If you can't change it, can you change the way you think about it?
I'd suggest doing any of these before you say something you can't take back. Once those words leave your mouth they are gone forever. Not only are they irrevocable, they leave an imprint on the soul of the person you say them to.
Be kind always, even in your times of hurt. If you make mistakes, apologize for them whole heartedly, forgive yourself, and try to do better the next time. 'Trying' to be a good person is all we can do. When things like this come around (e.g., that quote) it makes our trying a little bit easier. Open your eyes, open your mind, and become a better you.

Feeling Blue? Here's what you should do!

So I was feeling a little blue earlier and decided that that just wasn't going to cut it! I wasn't going to waste this day and I was going to do everything in my power to turn that frown upside down!
I think when something in our lives doesn't go as planned it's something we tend to fixate on. I'm all about looking back to learn lessons and become better but you can't dwell on things that happened months ago and let them ruin your day (in the present). Ever heard of that saying that goes 'I bet if we all put our worries/troubles/hurt in a pile I'd take mine back'? Well, yes something might be giving you trouble or making your day sour, but if you put things in perspective there are probably others out there going through far worse.
I don't think it's possible to be in a good mood all day every day BUT I do feel that through conscious effort you CAN change your mood just by being proactive. I knew I was having a rough morning, so what did I do? I sat in my car longer than needed just to finish a song. I listened to a new station on Pandora Radio (and it was MAGNIFICENT-60's, 70's, 80's, hits I highly recommend it..couldn't figure out how to share it on facebook). I sang at the top of my lungs and danced in my computer room. And most importantly, I thought about all of the people in my life that I love and couldn't imagine being without them!
This video is for all of my friends in Nebraska! Whether you all know it or not, you help me through hard times, make my day, make my night, MAKE MY LIFE!:) I'm so grateful for you all and if singing and dancing in your computer room ever fails, and your day doesn't get better, know that you can always come to me! Enjoy

The Walking Dead

Tonight AMC premiered the second season of The Walking Dead. It did not disappoint.
By far one of the most gory episodes to hit TV. It featured more ax and or sharp object to the face and less 9mm and even debuted a zombie gutting scene. They are upping the antics this season and I can't wait to see what unfolds.

There is starting to be more inter-character conflict and I will be interested to see what becomes of the original group as the season progresses. Which is ironic because even though internal conflict threatens to disband the group the 'walkers' are starting to move in herds.

Kill Count (as provided by "The Talking Dead")

Zombies-8

Humans-0

But with one person missing, another injured, and it only being episode 1 this is any body's game.

Hart of Dixie-Farmer in the Well Aren't You Fine vs. Lay the law down on me Mr. Lawyer

Alright we are a few episodes in to the Hart of Dixie and I absolutely adore it. It has a hot young cast and light feel good material that everyone can relate to (mostly the ladies) but since I am a lady, I can't seem to get enough of this show. There is quite the love triangle (or maybe pentagon) going on even though the characters haven't even realized it it yet.

*SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN EPISODE 1*

We all know Lemon (George Tucker's soon to be bride) is or had a steamy affair with the Mayor (Lavon Hayes). The two are clearly still madly in love. I think what's going to happen is George (town golden boy and lawyer) will find out about their under cover triste' leaving him alone, wounded, and vulnerable. A spark is already very much present between him and the new, very much available, doctor Zoe Hart. So what will happen when he's no longer betrothed and has nothing holding him back?

While George is trying to deny his feelings for Zoe for what he thinks is a faithful fiance someone else has taken a liking to this sassy brunette. His name? Wade Kinsella the small town neighbor who likes to put up a bad boy front but really is good at hart (ha see what I did there?:) I was all for George ending his stuff with Lemon but this boy is growing on me! SOOO FINEEEEE! Kenny Chesney, this boy DOES NOT NEED A TRACTOR TO LOOK SEXY OR TURN ANYONE ON! Next week's episode features Wade coming out of the fishin' hole shirtless (needless to say, I CAN'T WAIT). Zoe has been playing this boy way cold but I have a feeling next week's episode is going to heat up. I don't know who could deny anything that looks that fine coming out of the water. Let's just hope this romance blooms before Lemon and George Tucker's relationship turns sour!

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH FOR HAVING A NEIGHBOR THIS GOOD LOOKING!?

The Cage Rattler

At this stage in my life I've been going through a lot of changes. New states, new friends, new places to live, new experiences, new love, new heart break...the list could go on and on. Because everything has been changing so much, some times against my wants and wishes, I've discovered that losing people never gets easier. I'm what people like to call an 'over analyzer'. I like to think about everything, all day, and all the time. It's hard losing someone so I've developed a theory as to why this is. I will call it "The Cage Rattler".

My theory explained in full:

By the end of your days, by the end of your very last breath you take, I feel it is your purpose to have perfected your soul and become everything God (or whoever or whatever it is you believe in-even if it's only yourself) created or intended for you to be. This is not an easy feat as you might imagine. It's a journey full of ups, downs, twists, turns that eventually lead you to your ending point (the most beautiful version of yourself). Now bare with me, this isn't a spot you can reach on your own. There are people who come and go out of your life. These people hopefully stay in your life long enough to rattle your cage, awaken your soul, and set you on paths you would have never taken otherwise. It is hard to lose them but they aren't meant to stay. Once they've done what they were supposed to do, they must leave because the rest is left for you to learn from, grow from, and go your own way from. We learn best the hard way and when someone comes in and rattles our cage and leaves--it is up to us to learn the lesson through self discovery (thus getting closer to our ultimate being).

I hope on the day I take my last breath I'm old and laying in my bed surrounded by love and am comforted by the fact that I became every bit of everything I ever wanted to be. I hope I can look back on my life smile at the struggles, shed a tear for the happiest moments of my life, and die knowing there was a reason for it all.

It is my only hope I continue to encounter these people and while I am not always pleased as I'm being shook back n fourth...in the end, when the cage has settled, I'm thankful for it made me stronger and gave me a new perspective. Maybe not the one I'm used to, but one I'll learn to love in time.

"She will change me for the better and make me into the guy I will be for the rest of my life."

I had a really nice heart to heart tonight with my best friend Kelly (Kel). Kel and I share something in common-we both know how it feels to have a broken heart and in my times of need he's been there always.

Kel gave me some good advice tonight. So good infact, that I was inspired and decided to write about it. I'll start at the beginning.

"now I have not a lot of time, and enjoy going out with my friends and being a goon and wacky and not caring about the ladies as much, and thus I am certainly certain that one of these days, my childish antics and being a goon will seduce the right one and she will change me for the better and make me into the guy I will be for the rest of my life."

What a beautiful concept! This gave me hope and reminded me that one day someone will find you and on that day [your life will be changed forever...and you'll be ok with it]. How wonderful to find someone that makes you anything and everything God intended you to be. How wonderful to find someone who pushes you to be better and because of them, and your love for them, you want to be that better version of yourself because you know it's what they deserve [and you rather die a thousand deaths than to be anything less than that]. So beautifully put. That is what inspired me.

I think we all know it takes boys a little longer to coming around to the idea of having to 'grow up'. I think some times they have good intentions but do not have the capability to carry them through. I think behind every decent man, there's a girl that he made cry, a girl whose heart he broke. If he's a good guy he'll feel bad about doing so, and hopefully learn for the next time something worth it comes around. That is my hope for every girl who has ever cried over someone, been hurt by someone, missed someone-even though she deserved better. Just because you might have gotten the short end of the stick the first time around, doesn't mean you don't have a good one on his way.

Tonight I told Kelly I was on the fence. On the fence about healing, on the fence about myself and the confidence I have in myself as someone worth loving, on the fence about ever wanting to love again..After being hurt a few times it's hard to decided whether or not taking a chance on someone new is worth it. There's so much to lose, yet so much to gain. It's exciting, but scary, and some times so scary that you might feel it's not worth it. Whenever you start to think that, I want you to remember this:

"...you gotta let it happen if it is going to happen, you cant stop it, but you gotta be able to just burst through that fence that your up against when its time, 9/10 times, I am disappointed, but to be disappointed, you have to be out there trying to be happy."

--"9/10 times I am disappointed, but to be disappointed you have to be out there trying to be happy."

If it's one thing learned about life (especially in the past year) it doesn't care about the plans you've made or the things you want. Life is going to happen regardless. You're not always going to get what you want and you might not understand that what you're getting is exactly what you need. Things don't have to work out every time, they just have to work out once. But they won't even do that if you don't try. I understand better than anyone right now the comfort of being alone, of only having to worry about yourself, but I will also say I believe there is a love out there [a love made for the movies]. Some may call me foolish, some may call me stupid, well go right on ahead it's just who I am. This singular truth I will never stop believing in. I've never had it, I've never felt it (I've felt many different kinds of love just not this one) and despite it all, I'll never give up on it. Never giving up requires me to keep trying. Yea, it's scary, but having lived a life without one of the most beautiful things since the beginning of time [is even scarier].

Take things slow for yourself and your heart and never lose your faith. God works in mysterious ways someone or something will come into your life when you least expect it. The past is an important part of our lives. It's what makes us who we are and teaches us valuable lessons. However, don't let your future pay for your past. Learn your lessons and move on. You have a lot more to learn, don't need to be studying the old books. Open up the new ones. They say you 'can't judge a book by it's cover' so see what' inside.

In times of doubt or when your heart is sad or scared never hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. They will make you laugh, make you cry, renew your faith, and impede your fears. They will remind you of your beliefs and provide new perspectives.

Our hearts get broken so when we put them back together we can leave out some peices that don't belong there anymore and put in new peices that do so that the end result is a new beautiful heart with which to love and live.

Don't ever let fear keep you from using it.

Hart of Dixie

Hart of Dixie is a new TV show airing on the CW.

It follows the life of Zoe Hart. A big time New York city surgeon who gets relocated to Blue Bell Alabama.

The show has writers from Gossip Girl and the OC, as well as, Josh Shwartz creator of the OC working on this project.

It's your classic girl meets fate tale. However, two huge plot twists were revealed in episode 1 already so I can't wait to see what the rest of the season brings. It has colorful characters (a little on the stereotypical side) yet, entertaining.

Cute boys, southern accents, down home fun, small town shenanigans make this the perfect show for anyone who has lived in a small town or dreamed of doing so.

My prediction about season 1:
Small towns are great, but not the best places for keeping secrets. *all in due time...all in due time...*

50/50

My friend and I went to see this movie tonight. It's about two best friends and one of them gets cancer. The movie chronicles their journey through battling this horrible illness.

I felt the movie had a good balance of depth, as well as humor. It kept the seriousness of the illness in mind, but used comic relief to lighten the heaviness of it all.

I left this movie thinking a few things.

1-What would I do if someone told me tomorrow that I had a massive tumor on my spine? (Adam-the character from the film was only 27)

2-How would I get through it, and who would I get through it with?

3-What would I feel?

4-What if this were one of my close friends? How would I deal with it? How would I be there for them? (in the movie Seth Rogen says he's going to barf when he finds out---I'm pretty sure I'd also start dry heaving)

No but in all seriousness thinking about these questions lead me to a few insights.

1-I always need to be the best friend I can be. Some times distance or time separate me from my good friends but I still need to take time every now and then to tell them that I love them, they are important to me, and even though there is distance I think of them often.

2-Am I living my life the way I should be? Am I taking full advantage of the time I've been given?- because it could all change tomorrow.

3-If something horrible, god forbid, like this happened to me could I not only be strong enough for myself but for the people around me?

I guess what I'm trying to say is never take advantage of the time you have with those you love. If you [love] someone it must mean they are a pretty important piece of your life. Never underestimate the gravity of loss you'd feel if that piece were to go missing.

Try to always learn, grow, and live the life [you want].

I suggest this film to anyone. It was great, big hearted, has an amazing soundtrack, and leaves the viewer with lessons to ponder. Definitely worth the time and money.