Mom Memoirs: The Insecurity in Rediscovering Who You Are

Becoming a mom changes you. It changes the way you think, the way you feel, and the way you view life. It even changes the way you view yourself. Everyone always tells you about the intense love you'll feel, the happiness being a new mom brings, but no one tells you about the insecurity. Forget the long list of insecurities you feel about your mothering abilities. That could be a topic of a whole other blog post....I'm talking about the insecurities you feel as you begin to get to know the new person you have become through this monumental life change.

1-Physically
When you're pregnant you look at your body in wonder as your belly begins to grow. You feel joy and peace as your baby begins to kick, and even though you're extremely uncomfortable towards the end of your pregnancy and wonder, 'How am I going to survive another six weeks of this!?' you revel in your strength and determination. After you have your baby your body just becomes yours again. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself. Even though my body is seemingly back to normal my eyes go straight to the stretch marks that once encased an almost nine pound baby, the dark lines and freckles from all of the hormones that grew the almost nine pound baby, and the C Section scar that runs across my abdomen. I look at this person and think, "Now that I've met you, I have to learn to live with you." Is my husband attracted to this new person? I have a hard time feeling attractive, how could he possibly be? I haven't changed out of my pajamas all day because I've been too busy or too tired or just learning how to schedule my day. Sometimes I feel frumpy and plain. All of these physical things have caused new insecurities. Things I've never felt before.
The healing I find for this is to trust and believe my husband when he tells me how beautiful I look, to take my worry to God, and to pray for wisdom in respecting my body for what it has given me, respecting that I am healthy, and knowing that I am not a body, I am soul with a body.

2-Emotionally
I always had a pretty good sense in who I was. I always knew who I was and who I wanted to strive to be. All of that changed when I became a wife. I wasn't just Katie anymore. I was in a union with God and my husband and who did I need to be to fulfill my roll in a godly way in that union? Who did I need to become to be the wife my husband deserved? Just as I was learning to be that woman God also called me to be a mother. Now that I am a mom, I am trying to find balance as a mother, a wife, a friend, and soon to be (as I go back to work on Jan. 4th) a professional. God...Husband...Kids...that is the way I order things in my life. I cannot be the wife or mother I need to be if I do not put God first...and my kids cannot get from my husband and I what we do not first have between ourselves. But becoming a new mom I find myself insecure about whether or not I am putting my husband first. Am I being the wife I need to be? Am I being the support I need to be for him so that he can be a good husband and a good dad? I feel like a mom and a friend, but what about the days I don't feel desired as a wife?
The healing I find for this is to do little things for my husband. To pray to God for wisdom (this is a reoccurring theme here, huh?) in making decisions as a mother, and to realize that my job is to be selfless. I get what I give to my family. When I selflessly give to them, I plant my own seeds of happiness that sprout from the foundation that I lay.

3-Spiritually
Your soul changes. That is just a given. There is now an extension of it on this Earth. A little piece of you. I constantly feel insecure when I look at my son and think, "I just want to protect you your whole life. I want to be with you always and make sure you're safe. Are you going to make bad decisions? Are you going to get hurt? What will your future be like? Will  you be happy in life?"
The healing I find in this is to first and foremost have faith and trust in God's plan for my child's life. I have to instill morals in my children, make sure they know God, and trust that. Our children are on loan to us. It is our job to love them and to teach them the very best we can...and to watch their story unfold.

Being a new mom is a time full of insecurities, but if I trust God with them, they don't seem so bad. If I live by my faith most of them will be answered in time, and if they aren't, faith says that's ok too. Although I find myself uncertain while canvasing this new terrain of parenthood, I couldn't feel more blessed to be a wife and a mother. I will thank God for that gift all of my days.