Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

"Someone once said to write well, you have to write what you know."

This is what I know.

About two and a half months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. I feel when we lose someone to break up we go through stages of grief. First you're angry, maybe you don't understand, but as clarity sets in so does reality. You must entertain two options when you lose someone. One, that life comes full circle and they will once again be a part of your life, or two, that you lose them forever. It is the finality of the latter that makes losing someone so hard.

I'm dealing with the latter.

I talked to him today, told him that I missed him, and that I was sorry. He was very kind, but in fewer words or less, I was told that I was not missed (something which I knew) I knew he didn't want to be with me. Having to deal with this has brought up a few thoughts that have been very hard for my heart to feel and to process.

1-I was someone he could leave and be ok with it

2-It's made me question who I am as a person and a partner to someone

3-It's made me fear that I will never be with someone who really understands me for every bit of who I am

4-Is it possible that he doesn't miss me because there was nothing worth missing?

5-Missing somone is so hard, but missing someone who doesn't miss you back is even worse.

I've always felt that anyone would be lucky to be with me..that I am amazing and wonderful but now i'm starting to question that. What do I need to change to become a better version of myself? And once I figure that out, will I be able to change it? I hope that I am able learn from this and am able to make those changes in the future.

It is my hope that one day there is someone that can look at the complexities of my heart and smile. I feel the only person I really relate to, the only person who understands me, is my 50 yr old father. I'm really mature for my age and some times it hurts me as much as it helps me. I've been told by boys that I'm the kind of girl you marry, not date but it almost is never said as a compliment. It's more so said as something people are intimidated by instead of something that's celebrated.

I believe in love. I love love, but for now i'm tagging out. I'm a firm believer in healing yourself, and making yourself happy and that's exactly what I plan on doing. Up until this point my heart hasn't wanted to let go, but after today I will. There is a reason some people go, and a reason why some people stay, and ultimately God knows who the ones that are supposed to stay are.

Some things i'll leave you with:

-love is a fragile thing, take care of it

-maybe if someone is willing to say goodbye to you, they aren't worth your heart

-you're gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt....if it takes you longer to heal than expected be kind and patient with yourself

-learn from your mistakes

-give yourself time to get back to who you were before them or where you want to be after them

-If there is such a thing as the 'right person' or the 'perfect fit' then it's worth waiting for

And most importantly,

Never give up on love because although things might be hard, it'll never give up on you.

You'll have the love life you want when you are ready.

"Don't pray to God to put someone in your life, pray to him to be ready for when someone comes."

http://youtu.be/KY_tWcAXEQ8