My dear cousin, Shannon, has four beautiful babies. Two of her babies are living on Earth and two of her babies are living in Heaven. When Greer passed, Shannon called me at a time when I desperately needed someone to talk to. I'll never forget the utter despair I was sitting in in that moment when my phone began to ring. Her call was truly a gift form God. I asked if she could send me some resources on pregnancy loss, and one of the things she sent was a link to her blog where she posted about her journey of walking through losing two children Earth side. Her posts helped me very much.
I decided I would keep record of my thoughts in hopes that they will one day help another soul.
Losing Greer has made me ponder Heaven more than I ever have. I've asked several people in my life questions about Heaven and I most always get different answers. I'm not an expert on what the Catholic church teaches on Heaven, but I recently found a very beautiful rosary meditation on Heaven, and I tend to agree with that information most. The entire meditation is about how the glorious mysteries of the rosary (resurrection of Jesus, ascension of Jesus into Heaven, descent of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost, assumption of Mary into Heaven, coronation of our Lady in Heaven) point to the fact that we will not only have bodies in Heaven, but how wonderful and intimate Heaven actually is. The Apple podcast episode is listed below:
Daily Rosary Meditations: School of Faith
Episode Title: Heaven and the Glorious Mysteries
In it they explain that the Catholic church was one of the first to believe that we have bodies in Heaven compared to many pagan religions who believed we'd just be floating orbs of light. From Jesus's perfect post resurrection body that could defy time and space, to reuniting with our loved ones based on the assumption of Mary, it gives a person a lot to ponder when examining their own preconceived notions of our forever home. It also filled my heart with much peace and comfort. I listened to it several days in a row after I delivered Greer.
One of the hardest things about losing Greer was not getting to hold him or her. I asked my doctor if I could please just have another c-section so that I could hold my baby. I wouldn't have cared if it was in the palm of my hand, I just wanted to hold Greer. I was told it was not safe to do that due to my uterus being so small. Not getting to see or hold Greer on Earth has left me with an ache I can't even describe.
Before I listened to the Glorious Mysteries and Heaven podcast episode, I would've loved to see Greer in any form God deemed perfect for eternity, but I'd be lying if my human heart wasn't a little disappointed to think we may not have bodies and are just souls in Heaven. The yearning to touch my baby, to hold my baby, and to hug my baby was and is so strong, and to think of not getting to embrace Greer with my own arms hurt my heart just a little bit. During the podcast episode they explained how Jesus ate, walked around, and spoke with his body after the resurrection, and that we too will have arms to hug and lungs to fill with air and laugh. I know the beauty of the day I get to hug Greer and laugh with Greer will over shadow any pain I've felt on Earth, and I look forward to the gift of that day, God willing.
Right after I had my first son, I was still working full time. I remember dropping Conrad off at daycare and his provider scooped him up and went to sit in the recliner with him. Right as I was shutting the door to head to work I heard her say, "How's my boy doing today? Do you want to rock?" I shut the door and cried all the way to my car. I then cried all the way to work. I just couldn't stop thinking about how I should have been the one in the recliner with him. That's how I'm kind of feeling about Greer. I know I would never wish or choose to take Greer away from Heaven so he or she could be back with me, but it's hard to hand over Greer, to let Greer go and watch Christ, my grandmas, my grandpas, and the angels take care of Greer while I cannot.
My therapist pointed out to me that just as I clung to Mary at the beginning of my pregnancy, I can cling to Mary in the giving of my child to the Father as she too gave her son. Just as Mary was taken to Heaven as we recognized in one of the five Glorious Mysteries to once again embrace her son, I will live with the goal and the hope that I too one day will be taken to Heaven to embrace and hold my Greer.
Until then, Greer, pray for me.
Mom
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