Miscarriage Diaries: Holding My Baby

When Greer passed, Gage and I suddenly had to make all of these plans we were not prepared to make. Were we going to cremate Greer or keep Greer at the funeral home until we had a burial ceremony? Did we want to buy plots? Were we going to burry Greer at the Sterling Cemetery or Peetz Cemetery? I remember getting off the phone with my priest wondering who you even called about purchasing a plot at the cemetery. My Mom was kind enough to stop in at Tennant for me that day. I honestly was in so much pain that I can't even recall the information she gave as I sit here typing this. We chose to have Greer cremated and will have a burial once the weather warms up a bit. 

The day I walked into Tennant Funeral Home to pick up Greer is one I will never forget. I told the lady when I walked in that "I was Katie Roelle and I was here to pick up my baby." She brought out this little silver box and handed it to me. I just remember holding the box gently in my open palm, gazing down at it, and having the profound realization that I was holding my baby. 

I walked out crying as I carried my baby in that tiny little box. 

My dear Catholic Mom friend wrote me something very profound and beautiful from a book she was reading by Edward Sri about the mass. She went on to explain to me that Mary's First Communion must have been a powerful one. When she received the Eucharist, she once again was given the chance to carry her son inside of her, just as she did when she carried Him in her womb. My friend explained that even though we don't quite experience communion how the Blessed Mother must have, that Jesus is with us in the most intimate way possible on Earth in those moments after communion. She reminded me to speak to Him in those blessed minutes, tell Him all of my sorrow, all of the wishes I had, and ask Him about my Greer. I sat and read her text message and cried at its truth and beauty.

I don't know how it works, or if it's even possible, but this Sunday as I sit with Christ after communion, I hope He's holding Greer so that I too may hold my baby within me once again.