"Love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that bind us together."

I want my writing to be about something real. I want people to feel things when they read what I write thus, I have to write what I feel. Honesty in its entirety. I think people can relate to a lesson more if emotion is involved. If it strikes some sort of chord, conjures up some sort of memory. This is just me being honest but I hope my honesty makes a difference.

Honestly,

I've been missing someone a lot lately. And I can't figure out what it entails. I don't know if it's that I miss happy memories I've made with them, if I just miss the idea of them, or if I really, truly miss them. It's been so hard on me lately. I go through periods where I'm ok with everything and I'm accepting of it but then something [something ordinary in my day] will trigger a memory and it'll leave me sad and frustrated. I have many regrets looking back and I think why this whole thing has hurt me as much as it has because it's made me evaluate the person I am. Not only evaluate it, but question it. I know I'm a beautiful, loving, amazing person, with a gigantic heart, and a beautiful soul but when I look back I get so upset with myself that I wasn't that always to someone I loved. This has been the hardest lesson I've been trying to learn. I blame myself a lot. I spoke with this person the other day. They wished me a happy birthday and before I knew it we were catching up on life and everything in between. It wasn't like the wonderful conversations I remember. I was definitely holding back because I don't know how to be his friend. The worst part was, I didn't want to say goodbye because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak with them for a long while. I get angry with myself for not being better, for not being stronger, for missing someone and then having to realize that I contributed to my pain that I'm experiencing now.

I read this quote today...

"Maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

It made me think about what I just told you. I want everyone to look at my words and be better [because you have someone telling you to be]. Love is something we have to take care of, something that we have to work at. You aren't going to wake up every day next to someone and have it feel like the first time. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone and with that comes the responsibility to love them the very best you can [because you made that commitment].

I am so sorry that I wasn't loving you the best way that I could. Looking back, I'd do anything to fix it for you.

Never take advantage of time spent with someone you love. Love is a big responsibility, and if you choose to make it, you better be ready to put the work in that it requires. Don't end up like me, staring at your phone, knowing this could be the last time you talk to someone for months. If you've hurt someone you've loved recently [fix it]. Let them know how you feel [make it better]. Communication is key and something that I lack. You can't solve those types of problems on your own no matter how hard you try. It takes two. Don't try to be the stronger person [try to be the better person].

I don't know if I'll ever get another chance, I don't know if I'll end up meeting someone new and finding new love, but I do know that I'll be ok no matter what. It's going to take awhile and I plan on being patient. The first time I looked at that boy it took my breath away [cliche'? why yes, but very true].

I'm holding out for that again.

"And although one broken heart doesn’t make me an expert in the subject, I believe you need both things –time and an emotional replacement –to fully mend one."

Work on you, take time to heal, and when you're ready, let love back in.